You know that saying, "You are your own worst enemy?" In my case, not only that, but the weapons I use against myself are enough to make anyone want to give up. Anyone without confidence, that is.
So, as I face this obstacle once again- this SAME obstacle I thought I was overcoming- I am finding it hard to summon the strength to defeat it for good. Oh, this is why it's been reappearing. I never defeated it, I just turned around and walked in a different direction hoping to avoid it.
If life is about finding out who you are, then I have never found it an easy task. If life is about an important journey that we must all take, then I have never known where I was going, or why my past is so important to my future. My biggest supporter should be me, right?
What will I do with myself after teaching here? That is the big question of the hour. ...And even through all the turmoil my mind has wrestled with this weekend trying to figure it out, I was able to receive some lovely advice from a friend: Get a new outlook on life. So I ask myself, why have I always thought of discovering "the next step" as a painful process. Sure, it may never stop being tiring, but at least I should take advantage of this mystery and make use of the energy in a positive way.
So this, my Facebook post, sums it up.
"Another dose of culture shock. Not being told anything is bothering me this much? Well, back to the drawing board. Maybe I shouldn't try to make friends at school. REEEEEEEEAAAAAALLLLY wishing Seoul wasn't so far away. Or Chungju. Or Jochiwon."
A friend asked what happened. I tried so hard to keep the story witihin the unwritten "acceptable paragraph length of Facebook responses."
i started making friends w/ a few of the younger teachers. then on friday i found out one of those teachers was leaving the school for good that day. usually, i don't get informed about stuff at school, but i somehow thought something like this would be announced early. i dunno if the other teachers knew beforehand, but how couldn't they? i dunno the story, dont even know if it's ok to ask... but if you make a friend you care about them a bit, right?"
There wasn't time on Friday to ask why this teacher was leaving. I walked into the teacher's classroom and couldn't summon of the courage (rudeness) to interrupt the steady flow of rummaging through papers and writing a million notes. Ok, I did say something. Are you leaving? Today's your last day? A quick "yes" and then back to rummaging. "Oh," I said. The next reply, not from me, was (a seemingly careless) "Goodbye".
..Let me interrupt to mention that Korean people, for some reason, want to wave hello and goodbye with both hands. I reminds me of Mickey Mouse. That is all....
So, I felt dismissed from the scene. I left to go catch the bus home. I don't know if I'll be voluntarily told why this teacher left. Today is Monday, and I usually help teach in this teacher's class today. My mentor teacher hasn't said whether or not I'm suppose to help teach today. Like stated above, I'm not often told things. Yet, I somehow manage to play along as if everything is normal. Is this the right thing to do?